Main | June 2002 »

May 31, 2002

lorem ipsum

what does it mean? where did it come from? find the answers at the straight dope...


this guy is starting to freak me out... 5 emails and 2 calls in just a couple days? it's a little bit too much... i wonder if i should still go out on tuesday...

should probably go for coffee instead of dinner... and maybe somewhere crowded near the office, like the starbucks on berkeley... so even if he turned out to be psycho, it would be kinda difficult for him to execute his evil plan such as stuffing me in his bag and runaway or anything in that nature...


mmmm... me like aqua!!! :)

just tried this new place downtown in the financial district called 'aqua'... it's really nice, the food is good, awesome decor, except for the dj... who seemed to be completely clueless in mixing the tunes... oh well, nothing's perfect, right?

we're coming back tomorrow afternoon for lunch.... heh heh...

i LOVE summer hours!!! half-day fridays 'til end of august! woohooo!!!

May 30, 2002

about connection & home part 1

what is it about 'home' that it matters so much to people?

it actually occured to me a few nights ago, as i was talking with nael about the concept of companionship... it seems that there is this similar pattern among indonesians like us, whose homes are literally on the other side of the globe, of a hollow within ourselves we cannot fill... the feeling is very much there, yet you can't really put your finger on it and explain exactly what it is...

is it homesickness that pretended to heal only to take on another form as we live here longer... ??

but after a few years, we don't even miss home anymore... we have our own lives here... we might not even be too happy if we have to stay for too long during a vacation home... we want to get back to our own apartments, our cubes at the office, our independence, and the comfort of living in a modern world called america, away from the humid heat and hours of traffic jam, away from the annoying people who don't know the meaning of 'standing in line,' from the depressing poverty on every street corner, under bridges and along the dirty brown water of ciliwung, as far away as possible from the third-world realities we call 'home.'

so what is it that keeps us coming back, even leave america for good in the end because we can no longer resist the urge beyond logic and good common sense to go home, feeling that we can never reach true happiness here?

are we just plain crazy or dumb?

what is it about home that even though we complain about it so much, we can never get enough of it?

if i have to sort my answers from the most to the least substantial, they would be in this order:
1) family & friends
2) food
3) my love for indonesia (haha, yeah laugh all you want, but it's true!)

realizing that i put family and friends at the top, i draw another conclusion that they are important to me because we have that special connection with each other... there's this sense of security and comfort in my relationships with them, a sense that i belong, and a clear definition of my identity.

ok, someone stop me, i'm rambling! i'm not even sure i understand what i'm talking about... this is just how i'm feeling right now....

anyway, as i was saying, friends and family are very important, and for me, those words are interchangeable with the word 'home.'

if here i can find, or at least replicate, enough people that 'connect' with me the same way as those dear ones do, maybe, just maybe... that odd hollow feeling would not be so ever-present... and perhaps 'home' would eventually lose its meaning then...

instead, i found that you can distract yourself for a while with superficial companionships and live from moment to moment, but beyond those moments there is still the looming need for a true connection, for a home where you feel comfortable just being yourself.

it's hard to find people you can really connect with, even harder when you have to live in a society that has a completely different culture and a very different perceptions of things... the language barrier alone makes it hard, even if only to laugh at a joke...

well, you can adapt in the sense that you give in to what surrounds you, but you can never melt and become a part of it...

based on cultural and language problems alone, it is pretty safe to conclude that, in general, it would be much easier to develop new connections (not to mention proximity to the existing ones) in the comfort of your own country... thus, going home... thus, happiness.

hmmm... i'm beginning to get very sleepy... maybe i'll continue tomorrow, if i can manage to stay in the deep-thoughts mode for such a long period of time.

well, just in case, here's my very obvious conclusion of it all:
connection = people you connect with = home = true happiness!!!

the end. for now.

May 29, 2002

neighbor problem

you would think that people had much better things to do other than sniffing their neighbor's door....

there's this man that lives in a unit across from mine that has this obsessive-compulsive problem with cigarette smoke... this is the fourth time he knocked on my door and accused me of smoking inside my room and triggering his allergies... i was in the middle of trying to practice ink drawing when he knocked, which would be really impossible to do, not to mention very messy, if i was smoking, too!

last time, he knocked when i was falling asleep watching tv... i was really annoyed and started yelling at him, because a few days before that, he left me a note complaining about cigarette smoke in the morning when i was at work... and another note before that, while i was spending the weekend in new york!!!

i asked him how he came up with the conclusion that the smoke came from my room, and he said he smelled it from my door... and i tried to explain to him that i wasn't even in my room when he left those notes, and he didn't even seem to hear anything i said, and kept saying nonsense stuff like, "i don't care if you got lung cancer at 45, but your smoking gives me allergies... all my clothes smelled of cigarette... my lawyer friend said it's prohibited by the massachussets law to smoke inside the building..."

and he just didn't wanna go away...

he used to harass #12 (my next-door neighbor) like every other day or so, and stayed there abusing the poor guy for half an hour straight sometimes... but #12 was so patient with him... he even once told him, out of sheer desperation, that he would leave his door open so that mr psycho could see for himself that #12 was not smoking in his room anymore, and would stop knocking on his door...

now that #12 has moved out, he started to knock on MY door.... x(


this is just not a good day for me... it's just one bad thing after the other...

found out that i can't have the apartment... it's no longer in the market... it's gone... the people who're subletting it for the summer are extending their lease until next year, and my realtor didn't find out until today...

and to think that i've been SO excited about that place... :(

now back to square one........

May 28, 2002


i don't like people.

they're all superficial ego-maniacs who don't give a shit about anything but themselves.

May 27, 2002

friday five dreams

another way to procrastinate by friday five... check it out!

1. What's the last vivid dream that you remember having?

I was kidnapped by this evil sorcerer who wanted to take away my magic moonstone. I tried to convince him that it wasn't the same stone he wanted. He summoned his evil assistant who was highly skilled in the matter of magical stones authenticity. The real magic moonstone is supposed to have 13 moons and 13 faces inside of it, if you are skilled enough to see them. I was really worried that the assistant would reveal the truth of the stone to his master. Suddenly, while he was examining the stone, it burst into little 2-dimensional power puff girls who ran around chasing each other... the dream switched into another scene where I am the owner of a power puff collectibles store... and then I woke up shortly after...

2. Do you have any recurring dreams?

I don't think I have any specific recurring dream, but I have a recurring theme in my dreams, which always involved me being chased around by either a group of vampires, mafias, wild beasts, and/or indiana-jones'-enemies type of people.

3. What's the scariest nightmare you've ever had?

I dreamt I died and went to hell. But in my dream, hell did not have any fire or demons or anything remotely scary. It was just a blank white empty room without anything inside but a long bench where I was sitting. There was nothing else but that bench and me. I wasn't afraid of the lack of sustenance, I knew I'd died and wouldn't need food and water. But there was no door or window. I was to be in that room forever. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change that. The helplessnes I felt was so unbearably scary. I was SO scared that I woke up screaming. It was years ago...

4. Have you ever written your dreams down or considered it? Why or why not?

I've always wanted to write down my dreams, cuz 90% of them are either really weird or scary, or both, and might be self-inspiring later on, but I rarely remember my dreams anymore. They're usually gone in the first 10 minutes after I wake up.

5. Have you ever had a lucid dream? What did you do in it?

A few times. When I am aware that I'm only dreaming, I usually try to do things in my dream that wouldn't be possible in real life. Like this one time when I was dreaming of being on one of the top levels of a very tall building hundreds of stories high, and decided to jump out of the window just to see how it feels like. In mid-jump, I got really scared, what if this is not a dream afterall... I hoped to God that I would pass out or something before I hit the cement...

raking up the past...

finally met with leli today for the first time after literally a decade!!! she drove up to boston with her husband and two kids from baltimore yesterday... hmmm... what a day... had lunch with mario today, too... it's like a designated high-school reunion day or something where you try to jam pack all reminiscence of your silly teen experiences in 10 hours with people you haven't seen for 10 years...

... old friends are the mirror to your past... they remind you about who you used to be... hmmm... where did i read those words?

the next chapter...

of the book i'm gonna co-wrote with nael (from the stairsteps-conversations series) will be titled "companionship, intimacy and alcoholic habits --- the definitions and differences."

i have a feeling it'll be a huge money-making-machine best seller someday...

May 26, 2002

finally found an apartment!!!

it was the last one i saw today... and i think it must definitely be karma... cuz there were so many little things that happened by chance, without which i wouldn't even been able to see the apartment at all... so it must meant to be for me! :)

i'm so excited!!! it's literally 3x bigger than my current space (well, that's not too difficult, as my apartment is only slightly larger than a regular-sized closet --- not very guest-friendly at all)... it's in this really cute old building on beacon street, 2 blocks away from charles river & the esplanade, has a dark red wall on one side, a beautifully carved old black iron stove (not working) which really adds character to the room, plenty of closet space, separate kitchen with counter, a real bathroom, washer and dryer right outside of my room, and oh, did i mention that the apartment is HUGE?

all for $5 more than what i'm paying for the little hole i'm in right now...tragic, isn't it?

tried the route from my future apartment to the nearest T with Willy, and found out that it would only take about 5-7 min. walk... so it's not too bad... i just have to wake up a little bit earlier... afterwards, went to "the dish" for dinner & wine with kiki, dini & gusye... a really nice and cozy little place in south end...

i'm really beat though... walked around in my platform shoes almost all day yesterday and all afternoon today to see apartments... so glad it's finally over, and i don't have to think about it anymore...

went to see "about a boy" yesterday with wendy, jimmy & audy... it was a pretty good movie, even though it's a little bit too hollywood... audy said that nick hornby's novel was much more interesting... after the movie we decide to walk down to the beantown pub for a few drinks... had some pretty interesting conversation and ended up staying there until the place closed...

May 23, 2002


david just sent this link... put on your headphones or turn up the volume of your speaker...

i can play with it all day!!! :P


i tumble down on my knees
fill the m o u t h with snow
the way itm e l t s S
i wish
to melt S into you

-bjork (from "aurora")-

another nice evening...

went to yet another graduation party... congrats shella!!! :)

was kinda bored at first cuz didn't really know that many people at the party, but then ion introduced me to this guy, mario, and as we went on talking, we discovered that we both went to the same highschool in jakarta on the same year, and our classes were literally next to each other, and we have many mutual friends!!! now how weird is that! what a small world!

we ended up recalling funny highschool stories (some of them are just hilarious!) and updating each other of the latest news of people we know in highschool... some of them already have 3 kids!!! (OMG, are we really that old???)

so anyway, that was pretty fun! :)

afterwards, ended up talking with nael on the stairsteps to my apartment smoking butts while discussing about the meaning of love and life.... i told him that if we compiled what we've talked about during these past few months, we could publish a book and make money out of it!!!

last night we concluded that with all the confusion of relative truths and gazillions of different perceptions and priorities, only one thing can solve all the problems of this world, and that is love! it may seem simplistic, but if you think about it, that's the only thing that is not relative, the only thing that can unify people despite of all judgments and misconceptions... learning to ACCEPT diversity in life can only be achieved if you just make a decision to love and stick with it!

and then everybody can live happily ever after, fairy-tale style... (disney theme song playing in the background)

May 22, 2002

i found these at

"if you built a time machine with all new parts, when you went back would the parts you use dissapear because they didn't exist then?"

"what do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?"

a nice evening

dinner with jen + mike and kiki at the middle east in cambridge... it had a really nice relaxed atmosphere... there was this huge funky fish sculpture thingie hanging on the wall, which, for some reason, i really like... had a pretty good chicken kebab... even though i enjoyed ararat better for food authenticity... but overall i had a really good time! :)

afterwards we went to see "the crush" playing at tt the bear's , just behind the middle east... it was the first time i ever saw david performed... he was really good!!! they must be like the highlight of the bar last night... the other bands were just awful...!

May 21, 2002

the tragic end of doraemon

doraemon.gifmichiru told me that the last episode of doraemon in japan was unexpectedly heart-breaking... it turned out that nobita has been unconscious in the hospital for years, and doraemon is only his imaginary friend... i instantly visualized little traumatized asian kids, crying over doraemon & nobita in front of their tv sets... damn, even I was crushed when i heard it!

May 20, 2002


been in the strangest mood lately... feeling like i'm fading into a transparent non-existence... just floating through space without really being anywhere but within myself, or sometimes nowhere at all... like a stranger with no destination or purpose, without anywhere to return to...

well, it doesn't really mean that i'm unhappy... i think i'm reasonably happy for now... it's just a feeling that there's this empty gap that i have to fill... if that makes any sense at all...

maybe i just need to move to a new apartment... yes, that's it... that's the solution to all my problems! :P

must move to a new place soon... preferably to a bigger place with LOTS of windows, a laundry facility in building, as well as elevator, on charles street in beacon hill... ;P

May 19, 2002

dini's graduation


went to her graduation this morning at bentley college (even though it's FREEZING cold and i didn't even bring a coat!!!) and then had lunch in chinatown...went to limbo at 11 for some cosmo and apple martinis... there must be more than 20 of us... it was a lot of fun.. we took a lot of pictures, too... shots of kamikazes magically appeared continuously in front of me... which is not a bad thing, i guess... went home very tipsy at 1:30-ish and ended up chatting with edo on msn for a while...

May 18, 2002

37 degrees & raining!

excuse me, but isn't it supposed to be summer????

May 17, 2002

is it time to go home yet?

david just sent me this link... it's a collection of found stuff... pretty interesting...

yeah, we're really hard at work right now... ;P


it was raining again in boston this morning... but at least it's friday... so much work to do, though... crappy, tedious html production crap... they should just hire an intern for doing all this copying and pasting s**t....

homesick blog-addict

i've officially turned into a blog addict... it's unbeliavable how i can suddenly spend 5 hours straight sitting still in front of my laptop after work.. which is very rare... i'm usually too tired to do anything when i get home...

anyway, called my mom just now... i missed her.. :(
i'm really hoping i can go home to indonesia in december... miss my family... miss my friends... miss all the good food... yummm... and one of my high-school friends is getting married... hmm... maybe can even stop by in bali again...

May 16, 2002

i LOVE mt!

finally have movable type up and running... it is SO awesome!!!

May 15, 2002

payday! :)

salad.jpghmm... i wonder what i should have for lunch today? definitely NOT au bon pain again, even though they have the best salad ever(!!!) i've been eating there way too much lately...

so proud of myself, though... been so productive recently... finally redesigned my poor, neglected, outdated site (even though it's not 100% done yet), learned to use xml with flash, took drawing class (did charcoal drawing yesterday and thought i was pretty good at it!), and am going to my first yoga class today!

May 14, 2002

south beach, miami

hmmm... tuesday already....

the weekend seemed very short... wish could hangout a little bit longer (if not forever!) in south beach... sunshine, cool wind on your face, blue sky, beautiful, pale blue-green ocean.... (here's a picture of michiru, jerry & me on the beach)

also found out that they serve alcohol until 5am in miami!!! isn't that awesome? i wish boston could loosen up and be more like miami... we went club-hopping on friday night and didn't get home until 6am... completely wasted but we had such fun! we went to this really interesting club called B.E.D that had real beds surrounding the dancefloor instead of couches!

but we spent most of the night (or early morning, to be precise) at twist, this fantastic gay club only a few blocks away... the music was awesome, as gay clubs normally do, the guys are SO unbeliavably cute.... which was a very depressing fact for us girls... but nevertheless we still enjoyed looking at them while fantasizing that they're straight....

in the afternoon, with only a couple hours of sleep and a bad hungover, we went straight to the beach through the back door of our hotel and totally forgot to bring sunblock... we ended up looking alarmingly red a few hours later.... we took a lot of pictures of us and of some topless people we spotted on the beach (we were bored!!!) ...

we drove back to orlando in the evening and talked all night long at nining's apartment until it's time to get ready for the airport... got in boston around 4:30pm, it's 47 degrees, gloomy and raining... yuck... back to the harsh reality again... so sad... :(

.: untitled

mana jawaban
rintih lirih
si letih dalam sepi

hampa balasan
ruang-ruang kosong sekitar

ah, tak ada yang mendengar
bahkan angin pun
diam tak terusik

tapi kemana lagi
langkah telah patah
ujung jalan sudah lewat
paling tidak tiga kali

tunggu saja...

sampai kapan?

sampai kapan?

-may 99-

.: timeplace

(required flash 5 player)
-aug 01-

can't be found

i am searching for what cannot be found... dreaming of what doesn't exist... i want love that knows no goodbye, love that doesn't have to learn to let go or be forced to forget it ever existed... i want to find a place where answers are irrelevant because questions are never asked and doubts unknown, a place i can call home, where love never gets rewritten and doesn't have to be comprehensible to last, a place where love stays when everything else fades away...