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January 30, 2004

midnite contemplation

so is it all or nothing? or is it just half of something unreal? the confusion has to have an end. maybe i should just learn to be brave and take the plunge. or maybe i should spend more time alone and disappear for a while.

January 28, 2004

it's only wednesday

annoying little things today:
it's snowing again / my new haircut is too short / my blog was spammed by 236 comments last night (aaaaargh!!! die spammers!!! die!!!) so now i have to upgrade to the new version of MT with the risk of breaking things in my blog while installing it / i have waay too many projects going on at the same time right now.

but on the bright side:
i finally have more RAM installed in my computer at work (about time!) / yesterday after i had a haircut, my hairdresser gave me a gift card that i could use to get any service in the salon for free, so i picked the 80 minute 'la stone massage,' a fancy schmancy $145 massage which i would never get otherwise. so even though sometimes she's too enthusiastic in cutting my hair, i still love her to death.

update (1:33pm):
i've upgraded MT and installed this nifty little plugin to delete all 236 comments in one easy step. whew! :)

January 27, 2004

self portrait in vector

well, except for the ears, obviously...


this was posted at godote's forum for "You in Vector". what a great excuse to procrastinate... hehe... i was supposed to work on my projects, but spent hours to do this instead... :P

as with mostly everything, the key to vectorizing is patience. lots and lots of it.

January 24, 2004

another one

excuse me while i'm having another morbid moment...
it's definitely the direct effect of listening to too much phillip glass in one night while being entertained by people more morbid than me. well, you know who you are... :P


January 22, 2004


what do you do when you're faced with a temptation so absolute and so real that you no longer have the strength, or even desire, to fight it? you tell yourself to just go with the flow, day in and day out. but you're really just running around in circles, trying to runaway with no avail. going deeper into the abyss of confusion and guilt. all you believe in suddenly feels like a lot of empty spiritual bullshit that's good only when unchallenged by reality. how long can you refute it? pretend that it's not really happening? that truth is somewhere else? how long before it finally brings you crumbling down? can you even bring yourself to look into the mirror and see this stranger looking back at you then? you just start making excuses after excuses... becoming more and more numb. until one day you eventually reach the end of the abyss and wonder what the big fuss was all about. one thing you should remember then. curiosity (triggered by boredom) always kills the cat.

January 21, 2004

distorted reality

a snippet of a random wednesday morning chat...


****** says: (11:19:36 AM)
kayaknya lu & gw ... going on deh

****** says: (11:19:43 AM)

d says: (11:19:55 AM)
majuuuu tak gentaaarrr....

d says: (11:20:12 AM)
*mari kita menyanyikan lagu2 perjuangan*

****** says: (11:20:12 AM)
maksudnya depresinya bo !

d says: (11:20:15 AM)

****** says: (11:20:25 AM)
going on & on & on ....

d says: (11:20:33 AM)

d says: (11:20:42 AM)
maksud elo depresinya gak sembuh2 gitu ya kalo kita?

****** says: (11:20:54 AM)

****** says: (11:20:57 AM)
jadi .. udah biasa

d says: (11:20:59 AM)

d says: (11:21:28 AM)
tapi gue gak ngerasa depresi koq

d says: (11:21:35 AM)
cuma morbid aja kali

d says: (11:21:41 AM)
hehehehe apa sama aja ya

****** says: (11:22:14 AM)
*-) yoi, kan dah biasa

d says: (11:22:18 AM)

d says: (11:22:25 AM)
we're old and cynical

****** says: (11:22:43 AM)
but fun & cool

d says: (11:23:14 AM)
so pasti donk

d says: (11:23:26 AM)
a toast for ya!

****** says: (11:23:40 AM)
I'll toast for that

d says: (11:23:46 AM)
huehehehe apa seeehh

****** says: (11:23:55 AM)
that's us

****** says: (11:23:58 AM)
not clear

d says: (11:24:15 AM)
gak jelas dan asaallll

d says: (11:24:19 AM)
hidup asal!

****** says: (11:24:45 AM)
atau : asal hidup !

****** says: (11:24:46 AM)
ha ?

d says: (11:24:56 AM)
ha? sedih amattt

d says: (11:25:04 AM)
pasti gara2 kebanyakan dengerin radiohead deh

****** says: (11:25:13 AM)

****** says: (11:25:27 AM)

****** says: (11:25:29 AM)
u know what

d says: (11:25:48 AM)

****** says: (11:25:57 AM)
i downloaded NASH 's soundtrack

****** says: (11:26:02 AM)
you know the TV comedy

****** says: (11:26:09 AM)
i really like the song

****** says: (11:26:20 AM)
guess what the title is

d says: (11:26:41 AM)
what is it?

****** says: (11:26:55 AM)
"suicide is painless"

****** says: (11:27:03 AM)
i swear i didn't know before

****** says: (11:27:26 AM)
it just seems all the songs i like fall into that category

d says: (11:27:55 AM)
hmmmm napa gitu ya?

d says: (11:28:00 AM)
mari kita analisa...

****** says: (11:28:19 AM)
cause the tone fits our mood

d says: (11:29:04 AM)
iya ya

****** says: (11:29:07 AM)
old, fun, disoriented, somewhat energetik, dont know what to use the energy for, cool, alive when we need to, artistic

****** says: (11:29:11 AM)
how's that ?

d says: (11:29:15 AM)
eh apaan tu?

****** says: (11:29:27 AM)
us.... me at least

d says: (11:29:31 AM)

****** says: (11:29:48 AM)
oh forgot one thing

d says: (11:30:02 AM)
easily bored

****** says: (11:30:06 AM)
s e x y

d says: (11:30:12 AM)

****** says: (11:30:17 AM)

d says: (11:30:33 AM)
gue bulan ini kayaknya lagi morbid banget deh

d says: (11:30:40 AM)
tau kenapa, mungkin kena winter blues kali ya

****** says: (11:30:44 AM)
tel me sumthin new

d says: (11:30:59 AM)
masa gue tiba2 bisa bikin ginian coba: click

****** says: (11:31:09 AM)
well that may be a catalyst

****** says: (11:31:32 AM)
that your butt ?

d says: (11:31:32 AM)
play dead

d says: (11:31:35 AM)

d says: (11:31:39 AM)
no it's not my butt

d says: (11:31:41 AM)
you perv

****** says: (11:31:51 AM)
just making sure

****** says: (11:31:54 AM)

****** says: (11:33:51 AM)
i like it

****** says: (11:34:00 AM)
it's anti-superficial

****** says: (11:34:02 AM)

d says: (11:34:05 AM)

****** says: (11:34:09 AM)
i said it first

d says: (11:34:10 AM)

d says: (11:34:20 AM)
your trademark huh?

****** says: (11:34:27 AM)

d says: (11:34:55 AM)
udah gt bbrp hari kemudian gue bikin lagi dong yg lbh morbid

d says: (11:34:57 AM)

d says: (11:35:02 AM)
what's wrong with me???

****** says: (11:35:32 AM)
this one's a lot bolder

****** says: (11:35:46 AM)
a lot of anger actually

****** says: (11:35:50 AM)
wazzap ?

d says: (11:35:50 AM)

d says: (11:35:59 AM)
padahal lagi gak bete koq pas bikin itu

d says: (11:36:11 AM)
jelas2 lagi ngopi2 di providence ma anak2

****** says: (11:37:28 AM)
it matters most when your alone rather than being with anyone

****** says: (11:37:36 AM)
mmm.. that might be interpreted wrong

****** says: (11:37:53 AM)
but essensially what you feel is when you're alone

****** says: (11:37:59 AM)
dah ah

****** says: (11:38:02 AM)
sok tua ya ?

****** says: (11:38:09 AM)
hahaha .. padahal kan masih muda

d says: (11:38:40 AM)
huehehehehe iya

d says: (11:39:03 AM)
i guess when you're with people, the feeling is still there

d says: (11:39:08 AM)
but it just got distracted momentarily

d says: (11:39:20 AM)
doesn't mean it's not there anymore

****** says: (11:39:34 AM)
you got it

d says: (11:39:43 AM)
tapi feeling apaan sih sebenernya

****** says: (11:39:58 AM)

d says: (11:40:06 AM)
hmmm really?

****** says: (11:40:10 AM)

d says: (11:40:12 AM)
about what?

****** says: (11:40:20 AM)
ask yourself

****** says: (11:40:32 AM)
a lot of things are driven by that feeling

d says: (11:40:34 AM)
*berpikir keras*

****** says: (11:41:02 AM)
take it easy

d says: (11:41:09 AM)

d says: (11:41:19 AM)
i guess mostly i'm just feeling restless

d says: (11:41:25 AM)
always looking for something

d says: (11:41:39 AM)
gak pernah dapet

****** says: (11:41:51 AM)
isnt restlessness driven by insecurity ?

d says: (11:42:02 AM)
masa sih

****** says: (11:42:03 AM)
and your looking for that something to feel more secure

****** says: (11:42:06 AM)
nes't pas ?

d says: (11:42:10 AM)
hmmm iya maybe ya

****** says: (11:42:24 AM)
why do you go to school ?

****** says: (11:42:37 AM)
coz you're afraid that you wont get a job

d says: (11:42:46 AM)

****** says: (11:42:52 AM)

d says: (11:43:12 AM)
just for... ummm

d says: (11:43:21 AM)
self satisfaction, maybe?

****** says: (11:43:28 AM)
ok then

d says: (11:43:31 AM)
not necessarily for a job

d says: (11:43:46 AM)
i'm not an ambitious person

d says: (11:43:55 AM)
as long as i can keep doing what i love to do, i'm happy

****** says: (11:44:04 AM)
hehehe ...

****** says: (11:44:07 AM)
there you go

****** says: (11:44:15 AM)
you just turned yourself around

d says: (11:44:21 AM)

d says: (11:44:24 AM)

****** says: (11:45:28 AM)
well, you put love and happy in a positive sentence

****** says: (11:45:34 AM)
which is anti-morbid

d says: (11:45:40 AM)

d says: (11:45:47 AM)
gue kan multiple personality

****** says: (11:46:04 AM)
oh iya ... lupa

****** says: (11:46:08 AM)

****** says: (11:48:52 AM)
"exposure" bhs indo apa ya ?

d says: (11:50:26 AM)
hmm apa ya

d says: (11:51:45 AM)
gak tau ah susahhh

****** says: (11:51:57 AM)
hehehe .. sorry

d says: (11:54:30 AM)
emang buat apaan sih

****** says: (11:54:49 AM)
hehe.. you'll know soon

****** says: (11:54:59 AM)
dont worry

****** says: (11:55:07 AM)
be happy

d says: (11:55:36 AM)

d says: (11:55:41 AM)
be happy indeed

****** says: (11:56:14 AM)
kurt cobain: "I'm so happy ....

****** says: (11:56:29 AM)
... I found my friends ...

****** says: (11:56:35 AM)
... in my head"

****** says: (11:56:41 AM)

d says: (11:56:55 AM)


January 16, 2004

popsicle weather

just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. -6F (-23C) with a f*%&ing wind chill of -27F this morning when i was leaving the apartment!!! yet another day of taking a cab to work...

btw, yesterday when i was chatting with my cab driver (who's very nice and friendly), i told him i was from indonesia, and guess what he said! "apakah kamu bisa berbahasa indonesia?" imagine how shocked i was. that was pretty random, no? turned out that he liked learning different languages. he's from haiti, so he can already speak french and creole, in addition to english. he can also speak a little bit of japanese. a multilingual cab driver! isn't that awesome?

January 15, 2004

sweet beautiful austin

in the midst of -2F weather, i'm hopelessly and pathetically missing my old home austin. sweet beautiful austin.

here are some links to my favorite places in austin:

bull creek:

barton springs:

room service:

spider house:


and of course, there are also coffeeshops i can't live without like mojo's, little city, dolce vita, flipnotics, and metro. ah, metro! i would never get through college without metro, one of those few coffeeshops near campus that's open 24 hours...

January 13, 2004

past scribbles

ok, so i'm supposed to be cleaning my apartment since a few hours ago. but then i got distracted by cooking dinner (hey, i gotta eat, too!), watching animes, working a little on my project, and then digging around the countless messy, neglected folders in my site, hoping to delete/archive some files i don't really need. well, look what i found!

i used to write little cheesy pseudo-poems back when i was in college, 5-7 years ago. when i first had an account with geocities, i put up some of my writings online. and here they are. heh heh... it's kinda funny to read through them again and reminisce what propelled me to write these things. i like #3 in particular; aptly titled "the shit has finally hit the fan." i wrote that in my last semester in college, when i only had 2-3 hours of sleep a day (sometimes i didn't even sleep for days!) trying to catch up with the seemingly never-ending piles of exams, presentations, projects and assignments. ahhh... the bitter-sweet memory of college...


drinking coffee at 11pm on a monday night is a bad idea. even worse when it's followed by half a pack of cigarettes. it's almost 4am, and my brain is still refusing to shut down. i can almost literally hear the churning in my head. just too many things to think about at the same time. damn insomnia.

January 12, 2004

brewed awakening

went to providence on saturday night, and nothing to do at the coffee shop. still in a morbid mood, so here's the result an hour later. now it's become my new wallpaper.


snowy monday

it's snowing again last night, so the temperature is up to a warm and toasty 27F (-3C); much improvement to the crazy single-digit weather we've been having all weekend.

went to this funky new club in somerville called the toast lounge on friday night for wendy's birthday. had perhaps a little bit too much fun with the shots, but oh well... still got nothing to do at work right now, and the only friend i was chatting with on msn this morning has left to explore toronto. sniff... i'm so jealous. what should i do now? i'm so boreeeeddd...!!!

oh, btw, the bigger and better vektorika magazine #3 is out. also check out this awesome collection of posters from the 1920s-30s.

January 09, 2004

back to school?

yesterday i got a voice message from the admission office, telling me that i've been admitted into the educational media & technology grad program. i was completely ecstatic for the first 10 minutes, then with a sudden wave of panic, i realized that if i were to start this spring, that would mean i would start going to class this monday, which practically only gave me one working day (today) to figure things out!!! and i absolutely had no clue what classes to take, when i could meet with my advisor, how i'm gonna juggle school with my job, whether i got the scholarship or not, and how/when i had to register for classes, etc. there's no way i could take care all of them in just one day! and when i tried calling my advisor, turned out that he wasn't even in today! so how am i supposed to know what to do now??? what will happen if i don't register today? will i not be able to start this spring then? *pulling out hair*

anyway, it's ridiculously cold today! when i left home to work this morning, the temperature is 1F!!! can you believe it??? that means -18 Celcius!!!

update (3:31pm):
ok, so it looks like i won't find out about the status of my scholarship apps until after march, cuz they only give new ones in the fall. i finally get to talk to my advisor via email, and he suggested a few courses i can take. i decided on a 4-credit online course, since it gives more flexibility. just one class for starter, considering i still have lots of things to straighten up first, and since i'll be paying for it myself until i found out about the scholarship.

but nothing's ever easy. i had to call various different numbers just to register, and kept getting different answers and being referred to even more phone numbers to call, cuz i wasn't even in the system yet, and it's friday afternoon, and finally i was told that the person doing the registration has left for the day, so i wouldn't be able to register until monday morning. and since it's an online course, no one knows for sure whether i have to come in on monday for an initial meeting with the instructor! aaarrrgghhh!!! *pulling out more hair*

January 08, 2004


this sudden below-zero weather somehow brought me into a bleak mood... or maybe it's just because i've been listening to morbid bjork songs all night. anyway, this one's inspired by one of her songs, called play dead.


darling, stop confusing me
with your wishful thinking
hopeful embraces
don't you understand?
i have to go through this
i belong to here
where no-one cares
and no-one loves
no light no air to live in
a place called hate
the city of fear
i play dead : it stops the hurting
i play dead : and the hurt stops
it's sometimes just like sleeping
curling up inside my private tortures
i nestle into pain
hug suffering - caress every ache
i play dead : it stops the hurting

January 05, 2004

back to reality

it's definitely hard to get off the post-holiday denial. i need more sleep! the gray sky, icy rain and dropping temperature are not exactly helping my mood, either. at least there are not too many things to do at work yet. but i probably wouldn't be as lucky in the next few days.

for those who asked, hawaii was great; blue skies, warm weather, and it's always nice to spend time with family. the new year's eve cruise was kinda disappointing, due to a very bad dj and the fact that the boat only circled around for a few miles. but at least we got a pretty nice view of the fireworks at midnight. on new year's day we decided to drive down to nyc and spend a night there, cuz it's only thursday (most of us had friday off), and we were bored. so that was fun. saturday and sunday were pretty relaxing... just talking and reading, basically.

so how was your holiday/new year celebration?

i've been wanting to add a new section to this blog for the pictures i took with my camera phone. i've been so very uncontrollably trigger-happy with that phone lately, so might as well put the pics up as a daily or weekly photolog...

anyway, here are some links for today: new edition of born magazine is out, and david carson has some new stuff. oh, and did anybody remember the "all your base are belong to us" phenomenon a few years ago? well, here's the video... hee hee...