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November 30, 2004

counting the days

i finally bought my airplane ticket home today. honolulu-jakarta, one-way. tuesday, february 1st, 2005 at 8.55 am. just like that, it's final now. there's no turning back. i am actually gonna go home for real this time after more than 10 years of living in this ephemeral fantasy world. how do i feel? a strange mix of excitement, fear, sadness and some fleeting moments of regret. i still haven't fully realized the impact this will have on my life. maybe i'm exaggerating things here, or maybe i'm just being paranoid. or maybe this is completely normal. well, whatever this nervous energy is, the fact still remains that i am going home in exactly 62 days.

November 24, 2004

the surest way to erase someone from your memory

is not with a computer and cables stuck into your brain like in 'eternal sunshine for the spotless mind.' no, it's much more simple than that. maybe more painful, but it's not like you have any other choice. sometimes you won't even realize that it's happening until he's made you bleed bleed bleed and bleed and you don't have a single drop left. then comes this awful horrible pain, and while you're doubled over on the floor, thinking you can't bear it any longer, numbness will take over then you'll feel so light you won't even feel anything anymore. afterwards, you won't even remember you have ever met this person in your entire life.

November 12, 2004

first snow

it's snowing!!! i can't believe it's winter again...